Happy Birthday....I miss you

My first day at Jr. High School in 1986 is not a day that really stood out in my mind.  I can't tell you exactly what happened because nothing monumental did happen.  I'm thinking of this day because I met you in Mrs. Bowers, 7th period Science class.  You sat right behind me, and I didn't know then that you would become my best friend, and a person that I would never forget.  Sure we were close for a while, then we drifted apart and back together again.

I will always remember that trip to the beach before we found out you were sick.  I will always remember the call I got at work that day in May of 1995  "Kelly it's Celeste, can you come home?" "I'm not sure, what's wrong?" "I have cancer, I'm leaving in an hour for Columbia and I'm not sure when I will be back"

I remember walking into your grandmothers house on Suttle Road and looking at you...you didn't look sick, other than the sore throat you'd been complaining with.  It never entered my mind that you wouldn't pull through.  This was cancer, but you were young, you were strong and you would beat it.

Three months later you were in remission standing beside of me ..my maid of honor...at my first wedding.  That black wig looked so weird on you, and those dresses were so ugly..but I was trying to hide heart cath's and chemo ports, (and flatter an over weight person).  I remember you standing beside me that day forcing that smile on your face.  You really hated him :)  You were the first in shorts and sandals when the wedding was over, and you were the last to leave.

By the time I was home from my honeymoon, you were back in the hospital. More chemo, remission no longer.  I will never forget that call, Tommy's voice still makes my skin crawl.  When I called to check on you, no one was there to tell me, except him.  Those words will haunt me forever.  I literally crawled into the bathroom and laid on the floor.  I couldn't breathe, I felt so alone.  That's the coldest November day in the history of my life, not so much the weather, but my heart.  It just felt so dead, so alone, so hurt.

It will be 15 years in November since you passed, and it still hurts like it was yesterday.  I miss you more than you will ever know.

I think of you when people ask me if it was hard to turn 35..did I get depressed.  No, I didn't. I have had all of the opportunities that you never did.  I've been married twice, the love of your life had to marry someone else because life goes on.  I have a child, you never had that chance.

I often wonder what the years would have done to our friendship.  Would we still be close, or would we be like Mary and I are now..call sometimes, talk sometimes, but really dont' see each other much.  Would you have married Mike? I think we would still be friends, maybe not as close because life is like that, but still friends.  I think you would have stood beside me at my second wedding (with Mary), I think you would have been beside me at Marys wedding.  I think you two would have fought to be the first in the room the day Cameron was born, and I think that we would have been side by side waiting on Mary to have Breanna.

I wish I knew the answers to that.  I still talk to your mom.  Sometimes I call that number by accident because it was just natural to call you.  Sometimes I call it just to hear your moms voice, because you two sound so much alike. I see Mike and I have to walk away, because my heart hurts to see him with someone else. Not because I don't think he should, but because I know you loved him and he loved you.  It should be you standing there with him at the ball field watching those boys play ball.

All of this to say that I think of you everyday.  I miss you everyday.  It's not a hurt that ever goes away, it's a hurt that you learn to live with.  It doesn't get easier or numb, you just deal with it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, that I don't swallow that lump in my throat.  I see your smile when I close my eyes, and sometimes I swear I can hear your voice.

 I know that today Heaven will rejoice and celebrate the day you were born, forever 20 years old.  I love you..I miss you...Happy Birthday.