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Thursday, October 19, 2017

Wow- It's a new day!

This is the first time I've been back to blogger since the last post dated September 2012, so let me give you an update.
I did go back to school that August, my husband worked for a plumbing company AND did side work at night and all weekend so that I could keep being a full time student.  He didn't let me down, he made it work.  I graduated nursing school in May of 2015 and I've worked as a nurse for two years now.

To celebrate my graduation, we went on a 7 day cruise.  We were able to take Cameron's friend with us and we had an amazing time!!   Wes quit his job and went into business for himself because he built such a customer base trying to pay my way through nursing school.  He has been in business for himself for over a year now and that is going very well!!

My "little boy" graduated high school  May of 2016, and moved an hour and a half away to attend college.  He is playing baseball for a small school and he loves it!  

It's really embarrassing to look at that last post and see how I was wallowing in self pity.  I am so blessed, and my life has definitely changed for the better!  I now work in a local emergency department doing what I truely believe God has chosen me to do.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Blah Blah Blah

Do you ever just feel like every time you try to do something that life happens and screws everything up?  I'm so tired and frustrated right now.  I'm having a hard time dealing with the disappointment of it all, and I know that I'm trying to see into a future through foggy glasses.

I also know what has happened in the past, and the failures that I have had no matter the effort that I put in. The first time it was getting married, and being promised that I could finish school, that didn't happen.  The second time was just too much with a 2 year old, the third time every old person in my family died.  Starting with my mom's mother, then her sister, then my step mom's mother, then my dad's mom...all in the 2 years I was trying to take classes and work full time.  So I quit again, because I was exhausted.  Then when my husband got the good job, the really good paying job that made more money than we had both made together.....I decided to quit my job and go back full time until I could finish.

All I asked for was 2 years, can you do this for 2 years and let me go to school full time for just 2 years and  you work at that job for just 2 years?  Yes.  He said, yes he can do it for 2 years. 

9 months later he has quit that job, and the job after it for another job in plumbing, and not we can't pay our bills. NOW he isn't even gettine 40 hours a week, now we have no money, no savings, two piece of crap vehicles and I have no job.   So again I am at the crossroads of dropping out of school again and finding a job.  The worse part about it is that I had a decent job, that made OK money with no benefits, but the pay was OK and I had 2 weeks vacation.

Now on Monday I'm going to apply for a job that still has no benefits, no vacation and makes 3.00 per hour less than my last job....and it's 40 miles away!  The money is terrible, the benefits are nonexistent and I am worse off now than I was a year ago.  At least then I had an OK paying job.

So I guess it's time to come to grips with the fact that I will never be more than I am, I will never have a good job, I will never own a home and I will drive this piece of shit car until I have to get another one because I can't afford to do anything else.  I will work until I die because I will never have retirement, I will never have insurance and I will always be sucking hind tit.  I will always be broke.  I will always be less than mediocre. It doesn't matter that I work hard, it doesn't matter that I try hard, it doesn't matter that I have big dreams and plans and I do the best that I can to accomplish them.  All that matters is that I don't accomplish them, that I am destined to be poor my whole life and to amount to nothing.

I think being poor is genetic.  My great grandfather had to quit school when he was 9 and work in a mill, my grandmother was the single mother of 5 children and she also worked in a mill.  She was broke until the day she died.  My mom was a single mom who always struggled.  Now here I am, struggling still. 

With all of that being said, I am still on the waiting list, and just because I drop the classes that I am currently taking doesn't mean that I can't answer the call when my names comes up in August...
but if we can't make ends meet now without me working, how will we do it then?