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Saturday, September 15, 2012

Blah Blah Blah

Do you ever just feel like every time you try to do something that life happens and screws everything up?  I'm so tired and frustrated right now.  I'm having a hard time dealing with the disappointment of it all, and I know that I'm trying to see into a future through foggy glasses.

I also know what has happened in the past, and the failures that I have had no matter the effort that I put in. The first time it was getting married, and being promised that I could finish school, that didn't happen.  The second time was just too much with a 2 year old, the third time every old person in my family died.  Starting with my mom's mother, then her sister, then my step mom's mother, then my dad's mom...all in the 2 years I was trying to take classes and work full time.  So I quit again, because I was exhausted.  Then when my husband got the good job, the really good paying job that made more money than we had both made together.....I decided to quit my job and go back full time until I could finish.

All I asked for was 2 years, can you do this for 2 years and let me go to school full time for just 2 years and  you work at that job for just 2 years?  Yes.  He said, yes he can do it for 2 years. 

9 months later he has quit that job, and the job after it for another job in plumbing, and not we can't pay our bills. NOW he isn't even gettine 40 hours a week, now we have no money, no savings, two piece of crap vehicles and I have no job.   So again I am at the crossroads of dropping out of school again and finding a job.  The worse part about it is that I had a decent job, that made OK money with no benefits, but the pay was OK and I had 2 weeks vacation.

Now on Monday I'm going to apply for a job that still has no benefits, no vacation and makes 3.00 per hour less than my last job....and it's 40 miles away!  The money is terrible, the benefits are nonexistent and I am worse off now than I was a year ago.  At least then I had an OK paying job.

So I guess it's time to come to grips with the fact that I will never be more than I am, I will never have a good job, I will never own a home and I will drive this piece of shit car until I have to get another one because I can't afford to do anything else.  I will work until I die because I will never have retirement, I will never have insurance and I will always be sucking hind tit.  I will always be broke.  I will always be less than mediocre. It doesn't matter that I work hard, it doesn't matter that I try hard, it doesn't matter that I have big dreams and plans and I do the best that I can to accomplish them.  All that matters is that I don't accomplish them, that I am destined to be poor my whole life and to amount to nothing.

I think being poor is genetic.  My great grandfather had to quit school when he was 9 and work in a mill, my grandmother was the single mother of 5 children and she also worked in a mill.  She was broke until the day she died.  My mom was a single mom who always struggled.  Now here I am, struggling still. 

With all of that being said, I am still on the waiting list, and just because I drop the classes that I am currently taking doesn't mean that I can't answer the call when my names comes up in August...
but if we can't make ends meet now without me working, how will we do it then?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Wow It's been a while!

So much has happened since my last post, and I have been so busy with "things" that I have not posted in forever!  So just to catch up a little bit:
I started back to school last August getting ready to start studying nursing.  Right now I have almost finished all of my prerequisites to the program and am currently waiting to have my name called up!  Woohoo!  As soon as this summer is over (that will be on Thursday of next week) I am completely in limbo waiting to continue.  I'm kind of discouraged that my wait may be as long as 2 years.  :(  I cant even tell you how disgusted I am with that right now.  I'm having a hard time even concentrating at this point because once I'm finished with this class that I have worked so hard on the last year I just go get a job and wait for 2 years.

On another note...I am about to complete a chemistry course with an A, and microbiology with a B.  That doesn't sound that impressive until you consider that I took them both over the short summer schedule with only 12 weeks of instruction.  Those 12 weeks have been packed with lab everyday and back to back tests...but I'm about finished with them. Woohoo!

My mother was diagnosed with cancer in November of last year, and started her chemo right before Christmas.  She was given another clear report today and doesn't have to have tests run again for another 3 months. 

My little man starts HIGH SCHOOL this year,, which I must say is sort of nerve racking!  I can't believe how old he has gotten and I cant' believe that my baby is growing up so much!  I know that it wont be long until he starts bringing home girlfriends, and I'm not ready for that.  Life flies by so fast that it's hard to even catch your breath and keep up. 

Well I will try and post a little more often now that school is slowing down a bit!

Enjoy the rest of the week~