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Saturday, September 15, 2012

Blah Blah Blah

Do you ever just feel like every time you try to do something that life happens and screws everything up?  I'm so tired and frustrated right now.  I'm having a hard time dealing with the disappointment of it all, and I know that I'm trying to see into a future through foggy glasses.

I also know what has happened in the past, and the failures that I have had no matter the effort that I put in. The first time it was getting married, and being promised that I could finish school, that didn't happen.  The second time was just too much with a 2 year old, the third time every old person in my family died.  Starting with my mom's mother, then her sister, then my step mom's mother, then my dad's mom...all in the 2 years I was trying to take classes and work full time.  So I quit again, because I was exhausted.  Then when my husband got the good job, the really good paying job that made more money than we had both made together.....I decided to quit my job and go back full time until I could finish.

All I asked for was 2 years, can you do this for 2 years and let me go to school full time for just 2 years and  you work at that job for just 2 years?  Yes.  He said, yes he can do it for 2 years. 

9 months later he has quit that job, and the job after it for another job in plumbing, and not we can't pay our bills. NOW he isn't even gettine 40 hours a week, now we have no money, no savings, two piece of crap vehicles and I have no job.   So again I am at the crossroads of dropping out of school again and finding a job.  The worse part about it is that I had a decent job, that made OK money with no benefits, but the pay was OK and I had 2 weeks vacation.

Now on Monday I'm going to apply for a job that still has no benefits, no vacation and makes 3.00 per hour less than my last job....and it's 40 miles away!  The money is terrible, the benefits are nonexistent and I am worse off now than I was a year ago.  At least then I had an OK paying job.

So I guess it's time to come to grips with the fact that I will never be more than I am, I will never have a good job, I will never own a home and I will drive this piece of shit car until I have to get another one because I can't afford to do anything else.  I will work until I die because I will never have retirement, I will never have insurance and I will always be sucking hind tit.  I will always be broke.  I will always be less than mediocre. It doesn't matter that I work hard, it doesn't matter that I try hard, it doesn't matter that I have big dreams and plans and I do the best that I can to accomplish them.  All that matters is that I don't accomplish them, that I am destined to be poor my whole life and to amount to nothing.

I think being poor is genetic.  My great grandfather had to quit school when he was 9 and work in a mill, my grandmother was the single mother of 5 children and she also worked in a mill.  She was broke until the day she died.  My mom was a single mom who always struggled.  Now here I am, struggling still. 

With all of that being said, I am still on the waiting list, and just because I drop the classes that I am currently taking doesn't mean that I can't answer the call when my names comes up in August...
but if we can't make ends meet now without me working, how will we do it then?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Wow It's been a while!

So much has happened since my last post, and I have been so busy with "things" that I have not posted in forever!  So just to catch up a little bit:
I started back to school last August getting ready to start studying nursing.  Right now I have almost finished all of my prerequisites to the program and am currently waiting to have my name called up!  Woohoo!  As soon as this summer is over (that will be on Thursday of next week) I am completely in limbo waiting to continue.  I'm kind of discouraged that my wait may be as long as 2 years.  :(  I cant even tell you how disgusted I am with that right now.  I'm having a hard time even concentrating at this point because once I'm finished with this class that I have worked so hard on the last year I just go get a job and wait for 2 years.

On another note...I am about to complete a chemistry course with an A, and microbiology with a B.  That doesn't sound that impressive until you consider that I took them both over the short summer schedule with only 12 weeks of instruction.  Those 12 weeks have been packed with lab everyday and back to back tests...but I'm about finished with them. Woohoo!

My mother was diagnosed with cancer in November of last year, and started her chemo right before Christmas.  She was given another clear report today and doesn't have to have tests run again for another 3 months. 

My little man starts HIGH SCHOOL this year,, which I must say is sort of nerve racking!  I can't believe how old he has gotten and I cant' believe that my baby is growing up so much!  I know that it wont be long until he starts bringing home girlfriends, and I'm not ready for that.  Life flies by so fast that it's hard to even catch your breath and keep up. 

Well I will try and post a little more often now that school is slowing down a bit!

Enjoy the rest of the week~

Saturday, March 31, 2012

April Fools Day

When I was a little girl I would pretend to be married. My pretend husband would be handsome and strong. He would rescue me from the bullies that I dealt with everyday when I was a kid. Of course he would be big and strong. Not some whimp. That was the extent of thought I put into my pretend husband. Big strong and handsome.

Here I am now, at the ripe old age if 37. And I have to say that my real prince charming is all that I expected him to be, and so very much more. He does rescue me from the bullies, those are usually in my own mind. But mostly he is my very best friend. I tAlk with him about everything. I share with him my hopes and dreams. He supports me 100% in everything I do, and he love my son almost as much as I do. (no one but God could live him more than I do).

There is no doubt that man loves me. I am so glad that 7 years ago I promised to love him, I did then I do now and I will forever!

Happy Anniversary to my Prince Charming.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Letters of Intent


Dear "Superstar" Mom:

I saw you last night talking about me at the ball field. I really don't care though. Yes I know I'm "that" mom.  "That" mom that bitches about the coaches, and bitches about baseball. I never wanted to be "that" mom, I wanted to go to the game and watch my kid play. That is why I give up my evenings to sit a practice, that is why I pay the enrollment fee each year. I don't like being the bitchy mom, I don't like the complaining and I don't like the way my kid feels sitting on the bench. I don't like the way I have to work to build his confidence and coaches tear it down in one game. Honestly if my kid didn't love the game so freaking much I would have kept my money and skipped baseball all together.  I tried to get him interested in soccer but his response was "then I couldn't play baseball".  He has only this season and next season of eligibility left and then he can't play anymore..what is wrong with me wanting him to get to play for his last two seasons?

I remember last year sitting with YOUR husband while he shook his head and said "D can't hit the broad side of a barn...I don't know why they leave him in the top of the line up"

I wonder how long you would sit and be quiet if it were your child that was always benched no matter how he played. I wonder how quiet you would be if your boy was the one treated like a ball gofer at practice instead of being treated like one of the players. Right now it doesn't matter how your child performs on the field, he can miss ball after ball that is hit or thrown to him (he makes his share of mistakes)..and still play. He can strike out time and time again (and he does) yet he  still gets to play. It doesn't matter that my kid makes two good plays in his only two innings he still sits the bench 2/3 of every single game, and it doesn't matter that he has hit more times when he is at the plate than he strikes out he still only gets 1 at bat at every game.

How would you feel if that were YOUR child? You wouldn't like it any more than I do. I bet you would be just as pissed off as I am, and I bet you would bitch as loud or maybe louder than I do.

   So until your kid plays 1/3 of the entire season don't look down your nose at me. I don't want my kid treated better than your kid; I just want him treated fair.


"That" mom..

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A Womans Choice

We as women have a choice to make. "Do I want to have a baby?"  That is a huge decision, and one that should not be taken lightly. 
Babies are a huge responsibility.  They are yours for the rest of their life, or yours which ever comes first.  They are so completely helpless and need you to do everything for them.  It's the hardest job you will ever take...if you choose to have a baby.

That choice doesn't happen after conception.  That choice starts way before conception.  The first choice is birth control.  There are so many different forms of birth control, each with their own side effects and success rates.  I don't know them all but I will list the ones that come into my mind first:
1. The PILL
2. The Shot
3. The Implant
4. The NuvaRing
5. The Sponge
6. The Diaphragm
7. The Condom
8. The Foam
That is just off the top of my head.  I'm sure there are more, I just don't know about them.  Now I know you are thinking that these are not 100%.  You are right, but if you combine two of them you are covered pretty well.  The Pill and the Foam, the Foam and the Comdom, the Diaphram and the condom...

That is the first step in planned parenthood, birth control.

The second step in planned parenthood is during "the heat of the moment" you make a CHOICE to lie down with that man, you make a CHOICE to share your body with him.  It is your CHOICE to take off your clothes...you can choose not to....

During the course of passion you choose what you are doing, you consent and you know the consequences.  So why is it that After you have made the last two choices, and you have become pregnant that NOW you want control over your body. 

You could have prevented this in the beginning....but no, you didn't WANT it then..only NOW

Abortion is not planned parenthood, it is irresponsible people continuing to be irresponsible at the expense of someone else.  The woman's, right to choose ends at the pregnancy.  I believe that unless the life of the mother or baby is at stake (or in cases of sexual assault including rape/incest) abortion should not be allowed.

You are right, it s your body and your choice...make it in the beginning before pregnancy happens.

Friday, January 20, 2012

I have learned....

With the new changes in my life I decided that going back to work part time was a good idea.  For two reasons, the extra cash would be welcomed...and the experience would help once I finished school.
back in December I started working at an Assisted Living facility and I have learned several things in the past two months.

1.  I have learned to be thankful for my husband, and cherish the time that we have together.  It's no secrete that women outlive men.  The ratio of men to women in this place is eye opening to say the least.  On more than one occasion I have overheard conversations that the women have about how very much they miss their husbands.  Their best friend, soul mate.  It's heart breaking.

2. I have learned that my faith (although it is very important to me now) will be what brings me through the darkest times.  Although I already have learned this lesson, working at an ALF has definitely reminded me of this.  Some people have trouble remembering which way the dining area is, or their  child's name...maybe they don't remember having children.  They NEVER forget who God is, and every night they pray for healing.

3. Family is sometimes not there for you in the darkest moments.  (Please notice the word sometimes).  So many people are left at places like this and the family never looks back.  It's just so sad.

4.  Family is sometimes the one that fights for you like a wild animal fighting for it's own life.  (So remember to be nice to the ones that you plan to leave in charge of you when you are old)

Seriously this has made me thankful for the life I have, the health I enjoy, the husband I have been blessed with, and the son that brings me joy on a daily basis.