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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Hope, Shame and Fear

Abuse isn't something that happens quick. In the beginning they put their best foot forward. They treat you like a queen until you fall in love. Then they do little things to kill your self confidence. Abuse is a very slow process. For me the first thing he did was make me feel like I didn't have friends. He would say things like "I heard someone say that you were a snob" or "Don't talk to them they are two faced and talk about you when you are not there" ... the first step - alienate from friends. That's exactly what he did. When I left him I didn't have a friend in the world. Or at least that's what I felt like.

At my job, he would make comments like.. I wonder if the others got a raise? or I wonder if their bonus was higher. It wasn't much...just seed planting. Making me self conscience. Making me doubt myself in every aspect of my life.

Once I auditioned for a commercial, a friend of mine was choreographing the dance in the commercial and asked me to come to the auditions. When I got a call back to be in the commercial he said that she just felt sorry for me. She wasn't my friend, she didn't like me, she just felt sorry for me because she knew no one else liked me either. Do you see how slowly it started? First make me doubt myself..then make me doubt my friends. Then alienate me from them completely.

He would do things to embarrass me in front of what few friends I had left. Like when I had some people over for dinner I burned the potatoes. So I threw them out, and made some instant ones instead at the last minute. He called me out on the potatoes and criticized the food in front of everyone. I wanted to crawl under a rock. Everyone kept saying how good it was..when they left he said that they were all lying. He heard them say it was nasty, they just didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I have learned through the years that abusers know what they are doing.  They are jealous of you, your friends, your support.  Have you heard the saying "misery loves company" it is true.  When someone tells you those things they are portraying their own demons onto you.  That is how they feel about themselves, they want to bring you down too..remember misery loves company.  So just remember,  people out there that love you, you do have friends and you can get help. You can get help for a friend.

If you witness this type of behavior, it is worse at home.  If the abuser will yell at or degrade his/her spouse with  you sitting there..there is no telling what he is doing when you are not around.  Please speak out, please help them get help.  Call the number below.  Reach out, you may save a life.

Please call. 1-800-799 SAFE (7233)

1 comment:

Jessica said...

Thank you Kelly for sharing this and your experiences with domestic violence with us. I know it takes a lot of courage to do so.