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Saturday, September 15, 2012

Blah Blah Blah

Do you ever just feel like every time you try to do something that life happens and screws everything up?  I'm so tired and frustrated right now.  I'm having a hard time dealing with the disappointment of it all, and I know that I'm trying to see into a future through foggy glasses.

I also know what has happened in the past, and the failures that I have had no matter the effort that I put in. The first time it was getting married, and being promised that I could finish school, that didn't happen.  The second time was just too much with a 2 year old, the third time every old person in my family died.  Starting with my mom's mother, then her sister, then my step mom's mother, then my dad's mom...all in the 2 years I was trying to take classes and work full time.  So I quit again, because I was exhausted.  Then when my husband got the good job, the really good paying job that made more money than we had both made together.....I decided to quit my job and go back full time until I could finish.

All I asked for was 2 years, can you do this for 2 years and let me go to school full time for just 2 years and  you work at that job for just 2 years?  Yes.  He said, yes he can do it for 2 years. 

9 months later he has quit that job, and the job after it for another job in plumbing, and not we can't pay our bills. NOW he isn't even gettine 40 hours a week, now we have no money, no savings, two piece of crap vehicles and I have no job.   So again I am at the crossroads of dropping out of school again and finding a job.  The worse part about it is that I had a decent job, that made OK money with no benefits, but the pay was OK and I had 2 weeks vacation.

Now on Monday I'm going to apply for a job that still has no benefits, no vacation and makes 3.00 per hour less than my last job....and it's 40 miles away!  The money is terrible, the benefits are nonexistent and I am worse off now than I was a year ago.  At least then I had an OK paying job.

So I guess it's time to come to grips with the fact that I will never be more than I am, I will never have a good job, I will never own a home and I will drive this piece of shit car until I have to get another one because I can't afford to do anything else.  I will work until I die because I will never have retirement, I will never have insurance and I will always be sucking hind tit.  I will always be broke.  I will always be less than mediocre. It doesn't matter that I work hard, it doesn't matter that I try hard, it doesn't matter that I have big dreams and plans and I do the best that I can to accomplish them.  All that matters is that I don't accomplish them, that I am destined to be poor my whole life and to amount to nothing.

I think being poor is genetic.  My great grandfather had to quit school when he was 9 and work in a mill, my grandmother was the single mother of 5 children and she also worked in a mill.  She was broke until the day she died.  My mom was a single mom who always struggled.  Now here I am, struggling still. 

With all of that being said, I am still on the waiting list, and just because I drop the classes that I am currently taking doesn't mean that I can't answer the call when my names comes up in August...
but if we can't make ends meet now without me working, how will we do it then?


Beth Zimmerman said...

Kelly ...

First of all ... deep breath! You're tired, frustrated, overwhelmed, maybe even a little angry. And I get all of that! But God is still good and still has good plans for your life! Hang in there sweet girl! I'll be praying for you!

I wanted to let you know that I have finally found my way back to blogging although I have a new "home." Would love it if you would come visit me. http://www.masterpiece-beth.com/2012/09/17/a-moment-of-absolute-clarity

Kelly said...

This is my first time back to my blog since writing this post! I almost cried reading it. Thank you for encouraging me. I remember this moment and I was crushed and feeling hopeless and stuck.
Thank you for caring